Well, after not having any weight loss for almost a week I finally stepped on the scale and saw a smaller number. I was thrilled, but not so thrilled at the fact that finding clothes for not to many $$$ is difficult. So, I hit up my daughter, and she had ONE pair of pants that fit me and is a little to big for her. SCORE for Mom. LOL It was a good feeling to be in an even smaller size. Yet, at the same time I don't see myself as being this small. In my mind I do see the reality, but the heart is not seeing or feeling it.

I am having a hard time not seeing myself as a regular, normal sized person. I feel the health effects, as in no more high blood pressure medicine, able to walk up three flights of stairs, no CPAP at night, no snoring (even with a stuffy noise) and the ability to play with my kids. My appearance is a different subject. I still see the big, chubby girl. I am trying so hard to see myself the way my man does (who calls me sexy now) and as others see me (as disappearing).

Why is it so hard to see myself as I truly am? My body and mind have gone through so many changes and so have my emotions. I don't know how to feel about to much. I have my joy that can only come from God, yet at the same time as I change and relearn what food is for, I am not showing it in the same manner.

I was asked the other day when I was going to get my spunk back. I thought I had it back. I have to be honest that I am not showing the same emotions the same way and I don't feel the need to be all out there to prove I am happy and content.

So, there I am about two months out from my surgery, no buyer's remorse, no sense of loss, no regret  only unsure of what to feel or how to see myself. Maybe one day I will know how those two things are supposed to merge in my life.......