Done Something New?

Have you ever said you would never do something? I have and ate those words this weekend. I wore white pants this weekend for the first time in my life. And it was completely freeing! I enjoyed my day without worry of sticky hands or spilling for or liquid on them. I am still in awe of myself for doing it and not stressing out I was going to ruin a pair of pants.

How can a pair of pants be so freeing, you ask. And I answer: It is not the pants, but the resolve to do something without fear of what could happen. I put those pants on this weekend and did not think of the negative possibilities of what I might do or what someone might do. TOTALLY AWESOME!!! 

As I came to realize that I could wear these pants, I wondered why I could not come to the same thought process in my personal and business life. What I do is perfect for me. I am here to please my God and my husband. How I approach business is how I do it, not how someone wants me to. I can be given the tools and coached in words or phrases to say. It still comes down to how I approach and act towards people and situations.

I am here to succeed for my family and myself, not my mentor, boss, friends, or family. Just my family and myself. That is a very liberating thought process.

Please let me know how you can liberate yourself and what are your reasons for it. I would love to hear from you.

Photo courtesy of: http://www.inofashion.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Maiyet-in-white-pants-and-blazer.jpg

So this here is me about 16 months again.

And the most handsome man in the world, my husband. I was about 240 pounds. Not my highest but I don't think I have any pictures of me then. This is a good reference point of where I started from though. Later I will post a current picture after my 6 month post op.

I am starting to feel better about myself and my eating. Exercise is hard but doable in any form or fashion. I look for anything that gets me moving. I am working in the yard and playing with the kids. That is about it for me.

I am also enjoying more foods. I enjoy things that taste good. I know it was a good idea to start eating the baritiric way before surgery, now it is not so hard. Still trying new things with my family and 90% of the time it is accepted with joy, the other 10% is considered an epic fail.

My emotions are getting under control. I am still talking with someone periodically, and not letting food come to mind when I am stressed. It is not as easy as it sounds, it is still a struggle. But I am not eating 5 or 6 candy bars to calm myself. I found sugar free coffee syrup at the grocery store and make my own lattes now. It has changed how I view the world and the mornings again. It is worth getting up to have that.

Well, after not having any weight loss for almost a week I finally stepped on the scale and saw a smaller number. I was thrilled, but not so thrilled at the fact that finding clothes for not to many $$$ is difficult. So, I hit up my daughter, and she had ONE pair of pants that fit me and is a little to big for her. SCORE for Mom. LOL It was a good feeling to be in an even smaller size. Yet, at the same time I don't see myself as being this small. In my mind I do see the reality, but the heart is not seeing or feeling it.

I am having a hard time not seeing myself as a regular, normal sized person. I feel the health effects, as in no more high blood pressure medicine, able to walk up three flights of stairs, no CPAP at night, no snoring (even with a stuffy noise) and the ability to play with my kids. My appearance is a different subject. I still see the big, chubby girl. I am trying so hard to see myself the way my man does (who calls me sexy now) and as others see me (as disappearing).

Why is it so hard to see myself as I truly am? My body and mind have gone through so many changes and so have my emotions. I don't know how to feel about to much. I have my joy that can only come from God, yet at the same time as I change and relearn what food is for, I am not showing it in the same manner.

I was asked the other day when I was going to get my spunk back. I thought I had it back. I have to be honest that I am not showing the same emotions the same way and I don't feel the need to be all out there to prove I am happy and content.

So, there I am about two months out from my surgery, no buyer's remorse, no sense of loss, no regret  only unsure of what to feel or how to see myself. Maybe one day I will know how those two things are supposed to merge in my life.......