So this here is me about 16 months again.

And the most handsome man in the world, my husband. I was about 240 pounds. Not my highest but I don't think I have any pictures of me then. This is a good reference point of where I started from though. Later I will post a current picture after my 6 month post op.

I am starting to feel better about myself and my eating. Exercise is hard but doable in any form or fashion. I look for anything that gets me moving. I am working in the yard and playing with the kids. That is about it for me.

I am also enjoying more foods. I enjoy things that taste good. I know it was a good idea to start eating the baritiric way before surgery, now it is not so hard. Still trying new things with my family and 90% of the time it is accepted with joy, the other 10% is considered an epic fail.

My emotions are getting under control. I am still talking with someone periodically, and not letting food come to mind when I am stressed. It is not as easy as it sounds, it is still a struggle. But I am not eating 5 or 6 candy bars to calm myself. I found sugar free coffee syrup at the grocery store and make my own lattes now. It has changed how I view the world and the mornings again. It is worth getting up to have that.

I made it through the Christmas Holiday without falling to my temptations, to much. I must admit I have had a cookie and one piece of chocolate. It made the stomach queasy but nothing major, just enough to cause me to never do something like that again. I made lasagna for the fam and a veggie lasagna for me. I am not making that recipe again. It was good, just not to my liking. I tolerated it but it was not tasty to me.

I started counseling last week. It will be good. It is nice to hear from someone who is not only a professional but a been there, doing it kinda person tell me I am not crazy and the adjustment period does not last forever. I was also given the task of thinking up three things that I can do now that I could not do with all the weight on. I have actually come up with about 5 things. They are cross my legs, walk up three flights of stairs, sleep through the night with no snoring, not eat my way through emotions, and play for more than 10 minutes with the boys outside. All of that happened in the last 8 weeks.

I learned about the not eating through emotions last weekend when my grandmother passed away. She was 93 years old and a wonderful lady. I cried and talked to The Man, my husband, and took care of my kiddos.  I also was able to be there with my Daddy and not want to eat through the hard parts. That is huge. I never thought I would be able to accomplish something like that.

I am down a total of 63 pounds since I started this journey. I have a few more to go but I am feeling the benefits emotionally and physically.

Me 1 year ago.

Well, after not having any weight loss for almost a week I finally stepped on the scale and saw a smaller number. I was thrilled, but not so thrilled at the fact that finding clothes for not to many $$$ is difficult. So, I hit up my daughter, and she had ONE pair of pants that fit me and is a little to big for her. SCORE for Mom. LOL It was a good feeling to be in an even smaller size. Yet, at the same time I don't see myself as being this small. In my mind I do see the reality, but the heart is not seeing or feeling it.

I am having a hard time not seeing myself as a regular, normal sized person. I feel the health effects, as in no more high blood pressure medicine, able to walk up three flights of stairs, no CPAP at night, no snoring (even with a stuffy noise) and the ability to play with my kids. My appearance is a different subject. I still see the big, chubby girl. I am trying so hard to see myself the way my man does (who calls me sexy now) and as others see me (as disappearing).

Why is it so hard to see myself as I truly am? My body and mind have gone through so many changes and so have my emotions. I don't know how to feel about to much. I have my joy that can only come from God, yet at the same time as I change and relearn what food is for, I am not showing it in the same manner.

I was asked the other day when I was going to get my spunk back. I thought I had it back. I have to be honest that I am not showing the same emotions the same way and I don't feel the need to be all out there to prove I am happy and content.

So, there I am about two months out from my surgery, no buyer's remorse, no sense of loss, no regret  only unsure of what to feel or how to see myself. Maybe one day I will know how those two things are supposed to merge in my life.......